Opening a monogamous relationship, communication & all the worst parts of me.
In the grand scheme of things, I am still infantile in my polyamorous/non-monogamous experience, but during this last year of actively practicing non-monogamy I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also found a lot of insight and validation in reading about other people’s experiences.
I hope that my contribution to the pool of non-monogamy helps fuel your own journey of deconstructing monogamy & finding your version of a fulfilling intentional life.
Here are the 5 biggest things I’ve learned since practicing non-monogamy.
1. Opening a monogamous relationship means killing what you had and planting seeds for something new.
The more I look back on my most recent monogamous relationship, the more scoffing, eye rolling and “well duh!” commentary accompanies my thoughts. We were pretty much your perfect candidates for an unsuccessful experience.
There were a few conversations about jealousy, sexual safety and what our non-monogamy might look like, but for the most part, my partner and I went in with an “let’s deal with it when it comes up” attitude.
We failed to communicate our needs and desires as they arose.
We never buried our monogamous relationship so that we could grow a different and completely new entity.
We had lived 5 years passing each other in the hall, enabling each other’s insecurities and stagnating each other’s growth, but only through reflection, continuous internal work and experiencing healthy relationships was I able to learn this.
While I do believe my ex and I are better off finding joy and fulfilment without each other, I do believe we would have had an easier time if we had given intention to mourning the relationship we once had, to make room for the new relationship moving forward.
2. Communication truly is everything (But seriously.)
You’ll hear communication over communicated (lol) a lot in the non-monogamous and polyamorous communities, but it’s seriously such an integral aspect of navigating life.
Not only am I mentioning the obvious, communication with your partners, lovers, friends, but communication with yourself. Deep diving your own feelings and their motivations will help you find your way out of uncomfortable experiences. You’ll hurt less, and you’ll hurt others less.
Finding safe spaces to communicate with like-minded individuals and even hiring therapists with non-monogamous client experience can bring about validation and understanding when navigating a life that most of society would rather ostracize you for even considering.
3. You will be slapped in the face by your unaddressed issues (Attachment, jealousy, your sense of self…it’s all going to be challenged, like a lot.)
Non-monogamy and polyamory have brought some of the most painful and difficult experiences into my life. I’ve been forced into intimacy with the things I hate most about myself. Shame. Jealousy. Insecure attachment.
I’ve learned more about my nervous system and my neurodivergence than I’ve ever thought I needed to know.
I’m more keenly aware of my own mind and how easily I dissolve into one narrative over another.
Are all these things byproducts of existing as a Jordan living this Jordan life? Sure, but it’s also in part to the questions that arise when you decide to unsubscribe from the religious societal narrative you grew up believing.
What is my purpose if not to marry and have babies?
How do I know I’m special and important if my love has other loves?
Does sexual intimacy equate to romantic love?
Unsubscribing from systemic norms as the only way to live a fulfilling life has created a cascade effect which has me questioning a lot about love, desire, and my relationship with myself. It can be exhausting and uncomfortable to work through all the thoughts that come up.
Life isn’t easy. Neither are relationships, but that doesn’t negate the beauty and joy that can come with experiencing compersion, support and wholly intentional connections.
Just know you’re not doing anything wrong if it isn’t easy.
4. Polyamory won’t “fix” your life
Non-monogamy won’t fix your cheating partner.
Polyamory won’t change your self-esteem issues.
If you’re approaching any type of non-monogamous dynamic from a place of breakage, whatever has shattered will still be broken on the other side.
I was a people pleaser long before I opened my monogamous relationship.
I struggled with shame and self-worth before, and I still struggle with them now.
I was dissatisfied with my sex life before non-monogamy, and I’ve had moments of dissatisfaction while polyamorous.
The point is that polyamory will not fix your life. It’s just a beautiful way to experience love, belonging and connection. We still have to do all the hard work that we would have to do in a traditional relationship dynamic and a more traditional life. (Even though I’d argue it’s easier to hide behind insecurities when existing in the status quo.)
Non-monogamy has brought more expansive growth to my life than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned more about myself and the nourishing ways I can exist in this life. I’ve made beautiful connections with people and built commitments out of shared intent instead of implied expectation. It’s been challenging, painful and incredibly magical.
I look forward to everything that comes.
