Answering 4 of My Traditionally Minded Father’s Questions About My Non-Monogamy
“Isn’t it just about sex?”
I love my father.
We often challenge each other, have very heated conversations about social and political issues and constantly have to reframe the boundaries of our evolving parent/child/friend relationship, but I do value his curiosity and constant effort to understand me and my life even when he struggles.
The evolution of how I express and receive love has been one of those reoccurring conversations that he just doesn’t seem capable of wrapping his traditionally southern conservative mind around. His efforts have brought a lot of humor, frustration and thought-provoking deep dives with my own mind.
“But doesn’t Partner A ever get jealous of you spending time with Partner B?”
Jealousy is a hot topic in the world of non-monogamy. It’s almost always the first question that people ask when finding out I have multiple partners, let alone multiple partners in relationships that look vastly different from each other.
We are force fed this narrative from a young age that jealousy is a sign of care and attraction, and some facets of the non-monogamous community can lead you to believe that feeling jealous means your failing. Neither of these narratives serve any of us in actually dealing with the emotion.
Jealousy, for me, is the discomfort that happens when I’m feeling threatened with the loss of something I value. This happens in my body with varying degrees of physiological response. From a slight churn in my stomach that I’m able to let pass without judgement or fuel for fear-based narration to a full-blown nervous system activation that has me crying, shaking and on the verge of a panic attack.
We all experience jealousy, and just like every other emotion, it’s all about how we react and move forward. I like to get curious about my jealousy, especially if it’s wreaking havoc on my nervous system.
- Am I feeling jealous because I’m feeling threatened that I‘m going to lose my partner?
- Am I feeling jealous because my partner isn’t meeting a need of mine that I am witnessing them meet with someone else?
- Am I feeling jealous because I am forgetting to nourish my relationship with myself, and I’m relying on my partner to make me feel valued/special/lovable?
Often, the root of my jealousy rings truth in one of these questions and finding clarity with myself before approaching my partner can help me figure out how to navigate the discomfort.
Compersion is a phrase often synonymous with jealousy in the non-monogamous community, defined as the inverse of jealousy. It’s feeling warm fuzzies for your person’s joy. It’s beautiful, and not nearly as black and white as people make it out to be.
I’m often locked in duality when I experience jealousy. I’m grateful for my person’s joy, but I’m also sad and upset. I want them to be fulfilled, but I also feel left behind. This conflict of emotion is normal!
Jealousy is normal. Compersion is normal, and if you feel some combo of both, that’s also completely normal. We are going against the systemic grain, AND we are navigating new parameters. Things are bound to be complicated.
So…yes dad. I get jealous. My other partners get jealous, but just like all things, it’s how we react and communicate our experience that matters most.
“I just don’t want you to jeopardize the good thing you have going with Partner A & B!”
My dad met my two nesting partners a few months into dating. I think they came over for dinner, and we had a nice visit. My partners are amazing, so it was unsurprising that my parents fell in love with them too. These are my first relationships that my dad has ever even liked, so he was very surprised and concerned when I mentioned having other connections.
Polyfidelity is a non-monogamous relationship structure that is most closely aligned with monogamy in that it expresses a similar relationship hierarchy and escalation. It’s just navigated with more than 2 people. There are closed triads that experience the same dating, engaged and married relationship escalator with no intention of ever experiencing connections outside of their dynamic, hence the “closed” nature of the relationship.
It’s only natural that my very monogamous father would assume this for my relationship, but non-monogamy can mean so many things. That’s the exciting and exhausting caveat, and when communication is consistently reevaluated, relationships can be whatever you wan them to be!
Love comes in so many different forms, but I’m biased with a relationship anarchy influence. Hierarchy doesn’t exist in my relationships, except for the relationship I have with myself. That comes first, every time. Other than that, my relationships fulfill some, many and all of the relationship anarchy smorgasbord chart.
“Isn’t being with other people just about sex?”
Well Dad, sometimes maybe yes, sometimes maybe no.
Religion and systemic influence have a stronghold over our collective views on sex. It’s either taboo or sacred, but couldn’t it also just be a varied act between consenting adults?
Can sex be a deep connected experience that has you blown into another galaxy and left feeling like an ethereal being? Absolutely.
Can it also be a flirty fun exchange with a stranger you will never see again? Also yes.
Guess what? It can also be completely solo and without any other influence.
“Sex is any act involving genitals,” says Dr. Faith G. Harper in their book Unfuck Your Intimacy: Using Science For Better Sex Relationships and Dating.
There are so many wonderful ways to experience sexual connection, but at the end of the day, my sexual experience is about me.
Yes, it’s definitely a conversation with another human, but ultimately sex is about scratching my own desire for physicality. It’s a way to satiate a craving for my partner’s touch. It’s about my flame being stoked! It’s not really about the other person, and when you can reframe sex as a self-fulfilling experience, it can help change the way you think about your partner having sex.
We enjoy having sex with certain people, but it’s because some are better at stoking our flame than others. My partners having sex with someone other than me is about them nourishing their own desire, and that has nothing to do with me.
It doesn’t mean I lack. It doesn’t mean I’m less than. It means we are all nourishing our own desires. Whether it’s sexual, emotional or mental, being the caretaker of our own needs means that we are able to show up more fully in our relationships.
“I could never have sex with someone other than your mom. What if I developed feelings and fell in love with them?!”
This question is why my father could never be non-monogamous. It’s also what keeps me grounded in the awareness that non-monogamy is not for everyone, as much as I’d like to preach my bias that we would all be better off.
This is also why I’m convinced that non-monogamy can be both a chosen relationship structure and an identity, because I’ve always loved people deeply and openly. I was non — monogamous before I even had the language for it because my best friend was one of the first loves of my life. Regardless of my traditional romantic partners, she and I shared a special connection unique to us that I would never place hierarchy upon.
Cheating and infidelity in a relationship can look very different for everyone, even monogamous couples. Some people count deeply emotional connections outside of the main couple as cheating. Others think their girlfriend making out with other women at the bar is fine while others aren’t even allowed to admit they find another person attractive.
Monogamous culture puts a lot of emphasis on ownership, and some couples seem to romanticize the claim they hold over each other’s feelings, sexual experiences and life decisions. It’s human nature to find attraction with others. It’s also normal to develop feelings of care, desire and affection for multiple people. We do this in all our other relationships. Why does it seem so threatening with romantic ones?
Why is it so terrifying to experience feelings for someone other than your current partner/spouse?
The response my father gave as I got curious about his initial question was about fear.
What if I want to spend more time with the other person?
What if they want more from me?
What if? What if? What if?
It’s natural to intone about all these things, but my simple counter question might feel silly.
Aren’t we all consenting adults with control over our actions?
Why does having feelings for someone else mean that you’re suddenly incapable of making your own decisions? It’s the monogamous narrative ingrained in my Dad that has him thinking in a binary.
Feelings develop.
People date.
People have sex.
People get married.
This is the relationship escalator I mentioned earlier, and it’s this assumption of a relationship that trips up most monogamous people. This is not the only way to experience a valid nourishing relationship. For me, it lacks the intention I crave. No expectations, please. I’d much prefer all parties involved with a fully present mind excited about the creative process. Building a relationship can be whatever we choose.
So dad, I respect that you know yourself well enough to not trust your emotions being entangled with multiple people. I love that you value your relationship with mom in the way that you do, but remember, emotions are only information. I strive to make choices that honor my existing agreements and boundaries while being open to connection with others, but new feelings never mean “trading up.”
Love isn’t a finite resource. (Time and energy are, but that’s another discussion for another day.)
At the end of the day, I’m very grateful to have parents that put effort into our relationship without implied expectation. Through disagreement and a lack of fundamental understanding, they try, and that’s what most children crave from their parents.
Thanks for always trying, Dad.
